The Pitcher Who Couldn’t Pitch

Gather ‘round kids and let me tell you a tale of an extraordinary man named Victor. What makes Victor so extraordinary? Well you see kids, Victor has the ability to keep getting work as a pitcher even though he can’t pitch. I can’t pitch. Can you? I didn’t think so. Neither can Victor, but he is getting paid to pitch anyway and I am stuck here trying desperately to figure out how he does it.

The fact that Victor can’t pitch does not mean he hasn’t been able to produce some astonishing numbers throughout his career. He has pitched 706 1/3 innings in the major leagues. In that time, Victor has walked 404 batters, hit 63 more and thrown 46 wild pitches. That comes to more than 5 walks per 9 innings, a hit batter once every 11 innings, and a wild pitch every 15 innings. The term “Control Issues” does not even come close to describing this guy’s problem on the mound. He is a danger to batters, catchers, and umpires any time he takes the mound. So who keeps giving this guy a job?

The Colorado Springs Sky Sox have sent Victor Zambrano to the mound 5 times this season. His record currently stands at 0-4, but don’t let that no decision fool you. He pitched poorly enough to earn the loss in that one too. I guess he just got lucky. In his 5 starts, he has accrued an ERA of 10.23. In just 22 innings, he has given up 36 hits and 22 walks. In his best outing of the year, he somehow managed to only give up 3 earned runs despite allowing 7 hits and walking 6 in 4 2/3 innings.

Maybe the Sky Sox can move Zambrano to the bullpen to be a lefty specialist. After all, lefties are ONLY hitting .340 against him. That’s terrible compared to the .419 average right-handed hitters are batting against him. If Tom Runnells, Sky Sox Manager, would only give me a chance to put on a uniform, I bet I can be as ineffective as this guy for a fraction of the salary. So why does the organization continue wasting their time and money on Victor Zambrano? They realize he’s not Carlos, right?