A Letter to Spilly’s Beard

On the last show, Ted mentioned that loyal listener Lauren from Denver wrote a letter to Spilly’s beard.  When it comes to facial hair, it is obvious that Lauren is on the same page as your Rockiescast co-hosts (when it comes to her love of beards, not growth of beards).  Her words express all that I would want to say, but more eloquently than I ever could, should I find myself in the presence of Spilly’s beard.  Enjoy.

Dear Spilly’s Beard,

         It was with heavy heart that I learned of your recent passing [when it was reduced down to simply The Stinger].  You were a bright ray of sunshine during an otherwise dreary and grey spring.  Other beards made appearances, but were either quickly abandoned or lacking in grace.  You were a beard of true finesse, displaying poise and self-assurance as you assumed your post on Mr Spilborghs’ face.  A leader among beards, you moved effortlessly from the rough-and-tumble “Sigmund Freud”, or the “Chuck Norris”, as some trendy internet-goers might be apt to call it, to the more elegant stylings of the “Morgan-Spurlock-with-soul-patch”.  So as to display your true range and talent, you then trimmed down to a svelte “Captain Morgan” for your final hurrah before traversing into the night.  I may not be the most devoutly spiritual of lasses, but I do take comfort in the words of the Sikh holy book Guru Granth Sahib, “All the world continues coming and going in reincarnation”.  It is with that promise of your return that I write to you now, hoping that I may, in my own small way, provide some light and guidance for your future.

         Before you return from Beard Valhalla, I feel that it is imperative that you take a few moments and consider what you want to be when you grow up and return to Mr Spilborghs’ face.  You have already shown your sophistication and artfulness, and now may I suggest that you come rarin’ back, as the country folk might say, and show the world your purelymasculine side.  I understand fully that most persons in the world would not consider beards capable of having a masculine side, but I know that you and I are far more enlightened individuals, even though only one of us is technically a “person” (me, for the record).  I believe that the best way of demonstrating such would be if you were to return in the form of a robust pushbroom.  Many beards have taken on such form, some to great acclaim.  Your first such figure may resemble that of Tom Selleck’s beauteous mustache in the 1980’s hard-hitting cult classic T.V. program “Magnum, P.I.”.  Many people are under the impression that the Magnum in the title is the main character, however it, in fact, refers to the mythic delight that was Tom Selleck’s mustache. 

Once you have sufficiently stretched your muscles with such a form, you may feel ready to progress to a more vibrant structure.  Some may question your ability to take such a shape, but I think you can do it.  I have full faith that you, in time, can pull off the full monty, the whole enchilada… the “Wilford Brimley”.  Neither before nor since Mr Brimley has there been such a mustache, a sign of raw power perched below a magnificent nose.  In his presence men trembled, and women quivered.  All of this, along with his triumphant career, is due to his mustache.  When asked to name the two sexiest things on the face of the earth, 98.4% of women will answer immediately with, “Quaker Oats and diabetes testing supplies”, and this is due entirely to Mr Brimley’s breathtaking facial hair.  If you were to assume a formation similar to the aforementioned masterpiece, I’m absolutely certain that you would single-handledbar-ly inspire the nation, and make Mr Spilborghs the most eligible bachelor in all of Christendom (provided, of course, he’s not married and I’m not making a total prat of myself, as I can do, by insulting him and his significant other). 

Not only would you serve this benefit, but if you exercise properlyI am sure that you, in time, could be quite capable of powerfully containing bits of sustenance that otherwise may have been cast off from Mr Spilborghs’ meals, nutrition that he may call on you to dispense during long innings when he is assigned to prowl around the vast outfields of the nation, far from the nearest bratwurst stand or four-star clubhouse chef.  How grateful he would be to you!  Think of the benefit to all mankind you might serve by fueling a child’s hero for just one more long out, one more victory for the home team.  Somewhere out there is a child who will grow up and cure cancer, rabies and hanging curve balls in one fell swoop, and when King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden is presenting that child with a Nobel Prize, the future saint will speak of how, when they were just a child, they witnessed a man named Spilborghs run his little heart out and make a diving catch to save the game one crisp September night, thus giving them the push needed to make their way out into this harsh and unforgiving world.  Wherever you may find yourself at that moment, you will sit back and smile, content in the knowledge that it was your forward-thinking storage of grains and berries for Mr Spilborghs that allowed him the energy to make that inspirational play.  The world will thank you.

All of this does, however, lead me to some questions.  Do you have a particular training regimen during the off-season?  I doubt many would have expected such a show from you so early in the year, even considering your hints of greatness last year.  Are you worried that by displaying such glory early on in the season, you may not be able to top yourself as the summer nights get longer, and fade into fall?  How does it feel when you see other beards around the league?  Do you feel a pang of pity for them, and all of their desperate attempts to be like you?  How do you keep yourself fresh and creative?

I am enclosing with this letter a picture of the aforementioned Mr Brimley’s mustache.  It should serve to inspire you to the greatness we all know is within you.  Perhaps you could speak to Mr Spilborghs’ ear hair, what little there must be, and see if it can pass on the message that you would like the picture to be placed in Mr Spilborghs’ locker alongside pictures of his family and friends.  A beard needs inspiration, too.

 Most sincerely,

 Lauren